The Mayhem Papers

Calcutta (The Damn Bell Doors) – PELUSSJE tandooRMX Preview – Out soon on MMAN Recordings! by Pelussje

Friend (who shall remain nameless): Wait, how did you fix that?

Me: I just did

Friend:  No really, I tried everything.  I’m not dumb!

Me:  No, you’re not dumb at all.  You just forget, I’m REALLY smart

This exchange amused me, so I thought I’d share.

(and when you reads this, anonymous friend, remember that I only associate with bright people)

While sitting and listening to Maryanne read the girls some fairy tales before bed, I noticed a couple things.

• Jack (of “and the Beanstalk” fame) is a thieving scoundrel

Ok seriously.  He has a beanstalk grow outside his house and then he climbs up to discover a giant’s castle.  DISCOVERS a giant’s castle.  This means he had no idea the giant existed.  It wasn’t like he climbed up and said “oh, this is the castle of that giant that rampages across the land, stomping on people and lowering property values like a tornado in a trailer park.”

No, this was just some random giant that kept to himself in his castle.  He could have been a nice hardworking giant who made his money in landscaping or something.

So what does Jack do?  He not only steals the goose that lays the golden egg (ok, that’s probably how the giant made his money, but my point still stands), but he goes back again to steal more stuff.  What happens when the giant comes to reclaim his property?  That’s right, Jack chops down the beanstalk and the giant dies.

The more I think about this, the more I think it’s anti-Libertarian propaganda.  ”Oh poor me, I was dumb enough to squander my cow and get some beans, so it’s perfectly acceptable to commit larceny and homicide.”

Basically, Jack is a little murderous thieving jerk with a sense of entitlement.

• Cats are liars

The other story being read was Puss In Boots.  Ok, we all know that cats are pretty much worthless.  That’s something of a given.  If someone asks “name one cat that ever did anything” the story of Puss in Boots comes to mind.

So what did this cat do that was so noteworthy?  That’s right, he lied.  Through a series of lies and misdirection, the cat finagles a way for his master to marry a princess and have a castle.

Now you might say this was a noble effort since he was doing it for someone else, but when you really think about it he was basically setting up “his human” to be able to pamper the cat for the rest of his 9 lives.

Like all cats, Puss in Boots is a self serving miscreant.

Don’t even get me started on Snow White.

…of a minor existential crisis is actually using the term correctly.

Hooray for a solid education

See these beauties?

These are my favorite pair of headphones OF ALL TIME.  I got them about 9 years ago at the Sony outlet store down in San Diego.  They were refurbs even.  Who knows how old they actually were.  These headphones have great sound and are perfect for the office or the plane because their imposing size is a clear “I don’t want to talk to you” signal.

Unfortunately, my beloved headphones have met an untimely death.  It’s not that they died, or a driver blew.  Nope, I rolled over the headphone jack in my chair.

That’s right, I murdered my beloved pair of MDR-V700s.

During a week where life was kicking me repeatedly in the small intestine, I committed headphoneicide.

After debating the pros and cons of trying to do a patch job with some spare parts, I did what any headphone slayer would do…I looked for my next victim.

After years of great service by the ole MDR-V700s, it was with heavy heart that I placed an order for these:

That’s right, a brand spanking new pair.  When you find something that reliable, it’s hard to try something new.  There’s some sound advice for you, kids.

So Bruce, what did you do last Thursday?

Glad you asked!  Every year a bunch of us from work have a spring ski trip up to Kirkwood.  We all meet up at McAfee HQ at 5am and head up for a day of skiing, usually to return around 8:30 or 9 that night.

Irony was in full effect when our scheduled trip was cancelled because of TOO MUCH SNOW!  Ok, yes I realize it would have been difficult to get the bus up there due to the road conditions, but it’s still funny.  It’s like cancelling a BBQ because it’s too nice out.

So our trip was rescheduled to a date on which my friend Michelle had tickets to see a show at the Fillmore.  Since I try to collect clever and devious friends, a plan was hatched in her braincase to attend both the ski trip and said concert.  Since I’m always up for a good caper, she asked me to join her.  Instead of heading up in the bus, we’d drive up in a rented truck, leave early and drive to SF for the show.

I admit, my participation in the plan was fairly begrudging at first and based mostly on not wanting a friend to make that drive alone.

At 5:30 the mastermind of this plan showed up outside my house in a massive truck, one that she seemed to have a hard time seeing over the steering wheel in.  We headed out, loaded up with snacks, ski gear and two iPods full of music.  We actually passed the bus our co-workers was in on the way up.  Much honking and waving was done as we barreled past in the massive RED truck.

I was sweating it a bit when I saw there was chain enforcement about 1 mile out from Kirkwood.  Luckily we just locked in the hubs, dropped the RED behemoth into 4wd and powered through with no problem.

Mev and the Behemoth

The weather was pretty nice and the snow a bit on the slushy/icy side, but it definitely beat a day in the office.

 

We skied all morning and had a great lunch with the ever awesome Gaylynn and then started on to phase 2.

On the drive down, we saw some interesting sights, 

stopped at a EXTREMELY shady “spy outlet”,

and used the awesome Slurpee iPhone app to keep ourselves hydrated and hopped up on sugar.

Around 7:00 we rolled into SF and headed to Mev’s gym.  I signed in as a guest and grabbed a much needed shower.  I came out of feeling so fresh and so clean and ready for the rest of the night.

We headed over to the Fillmore and had time to grab some Shabu Shabu before the show.  I was starving so I ordered the all-you-can eat and chowed down.

On our way to walk into the show, I realized I had my little pocket knife still in my front pocket. 

Since they were patting people down, I handed it to Mev to stow in her purse.  This is probably the only time I have ever seen someone at the door give more than just a quick glance into a lady’s purse.

This dude was practically up to his elbows digging through her purse, all the while asking “nothing dangerous in here like pepper spray or a pocket knife?”  He apparently had his hand on the knife at one point, but it was right next to a phone charger so I think he just passed it by.

I’m pretty certain it was because of the stealth black finish.

That madness aside, we walked in and were greeted by a crowd that seemed to be somewhat heavy on the fratty side.  I was already in for a penny, so we found a good place to stand and waited for the show to start.  Luckily we got there about 10 minutes before they started so we didn’t wait around too long.

While their music was a bit on the formulaic side, I found Two Door Cinema Club to be very entertaining and solid musicians.

The show was over around 11:30 or so and we made an uneventful trip back home.
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I got home about 20 hours after I left that morning. 419 miles of driving, snow, good friends and live music. Pretty solid day for a Thursday.

A conversation at dinner tonight:

Me: Zoë, is mommy the boss of me?

Z paused for a moment and very thoughtfully said, “No, Daddy.  You’re the boss”

She was rewarded with candy

Listen to the key phrase “she was real quiet and nice when we met”.

The Season 4 Premiere of The IT Crowd was hilarious! Great to see them still rolling. In honor of the episode, I bring you this (as worn by Roy):

NO.